Bands, bass, butts anything else i like. Live in the UK. feel free to talk to me all you like

thebaconsandwichofregret:

fergflash:

madehimsaycomfychairs:

halffizzbin:

cricketandperv:

violetsunnyklaus:

About seven years ago, all my friends my age got married. And about three years after that, they all started having babies, which set into motion the idea that eventually they’re gonna have to talk about sex to their kids. And that just freaks me out. I have cats—they were broken, but now they’re fixed—so I don’t have to worry about this. However, if I had the opportunity to suddenly be confronted by my son as a young man asking me for advice about sex… with girls… this is what I would say.

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.

Love, Dad.

This guy’s writing is fantastic. And also OMG STAR WARS.

Holy shit this is literally all you need to know.

THIS IS AWESOME

I was going to reblog this anyway because it’s pretty fantastic…and then I got to the Star Wars reference. And it became a perfect post.

Oh my God Number 8 has me crying!!!

halfstoned:

how’d they get this footage of me

memewhore:

memewhore:


kinkstertime:

This whole bit is made all the funnier by knowing that all of the guards were just random extras who weren’t told what was going to happen only that they weren’t allowed laugh at any cost as they wouldn’t be payed if they did

theverylostprincess:

daisyinaglass:

I CAN NOT GET OVER THIS

how does 6 seconds have such a drastic plot twist

bowtiesandbatman:

If you don’t like Monty Python you’re wrong

drowninginyoursmile:

heyfunniest:

Russell Brand telling Westboro Baptist what’s up.

I will reblog this until my fingers bleed.

fuckyeahtattoos:

Hero’s and Villlains , done at A Magickal Place in Derby, UK , By James Gaynor aka Jaff
http://www.amagickalplace.co.uk 

fuckyeahtattoos:

Hero’s and Villlains , done at A Magickal 
Place in Derby, UK , By James Gaynor aka Jaff

http://www.amagickalplace.co.uk 

slasher9485:

carrotsforferrets:

diamante-envenenado:

Scott Pilgrim’s actors

HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE THIS IS PERFect

This is awesome.

ifuckingloveblink:

Did I tell u guys I shaved more of my hair off

ifuckingloveblink:

Did I tell u guys I shaved more of my hair off

h0llo:

ive stolen this line and used it so many times

h0llo:

ive stolen this line and used it so many times